I thought he was safe and trustworthy and a good choice.

He made me laugh and challenged me. We spent hours and hours talking on the phone and texting. We made plans for a future together. Flash back and he was my neighbor down the street. So sweet and polite. He was the first boy I was allowed to ride in the car with to go to school. We hardly spoke because looking back we realize we had crushes on each other. When he called me on my birthday this year and we talked for hours I was very excited. We have common ground with both having successful careers in real estate and other common interests and beliefs.

After a few months of non stop communication we made plans for me to visit him in Hawaii. He had work there. The plan was for me to visit for three weeks but we both felt that we wanted to make plans to be together. I was willing to explore the option of changing my life to be with this man and live in Hawaii. The first night was amazing and we felt very strongly for each other and in every way  connected just like we imagined.

Soon after the first couple days I realized he had a severe problem with alcoholism. I never had any sign before the visit. I was so devastated. Such a severe problem that I was afraid he would not wake up. I could see what a toll it was taking on his body. He would hardly eat. In spite of his drinking  and our major conflicts over the drinking we really had a great time.  We would talk for hours. He’s a wonderful person. So I thought. After returning back home he was offered another  job with another company out of Hawaii and I could tell he was overwhelmed. He’s highly functioning and very successful but the changes were too much. I had contacted a very well known rehab center. They suggested I contact the family because of his behavior being in the end stages of alcoholism hoping to get some help for an intervention. To my surprise I am told that he is still married. Now I am completely devastated and at a loss for words. We have not spoken but he sent me an email and he was very angry that I contacted his mother but never addressed his marriage. Basically he has cut off communication in anger.

I have not tried to contact him either.  I feel so confused and don’t understand how he could make all these promises if he’s still married and hide his drinking. It’s been almost three weeks since we spoke and two months since we were together for three weeks. I am trying to put things back together. At first I was in shock. I went over our conversations in my head. I re-read all my text messages.  At first I felt like a fool and then after going over it a million times I realize he just did a really good job of convincing me everything was real. Then I was so angry. Angry that he wasn’t truthful. Angry he disrupted my life.  Then it went to sadness and disappointment. I wanted it to be all the good things we planned. Now I just feel sad for him. Sad that he’s so sick and that he may not get well.

After the first week of doing all the excessive obsessive things like too much  wine food chocolate and shopping I am trying very hard to get back on track with my life. Limited exercise and sleeping too much didn’t help either. Refocus. Work hard. Exercise hard. Eat healthy. Started a three day cleanse. Working on getting a new beautiful horse. Spending time with some good friends. Forcing a smile on my face.  Still doing some retail therapy and have bought some new summer clothes in bright colors that are happy. They make  me feel good. Spent the weekend with an old friend at an art and antique festival. Trying to fill my mind with new things to see and experience. Focusing on spiritual growth and personal growth through reading and talking with experts. I plan on attending some al anon meetings. That is on my list for this week. Counting all my blessings and things I am thankful for. So many good things happening and good people in my life I can’t let this major disappointment destroy me. Journaling.   I am a very strong independent woman so I’ll bounce back but it sure is hard.

I’m still very sad at the end of the day. I did feel very connected to this man. We have a history and I could see what could be with him. I’m sad to think he is so tormented with alcohol and that he would hurt me and not say anything. And not be truthful. So those feelings come and go but they don’t feel quite as raw. Sad that we don’t talk. I still miss him.